I lost
by Wandering Raccoon
Summary: ‘There are not words to describe the agony that occurs when your very soul is being brutally torn from your body. It is pain beyond all pain. But then, all at once, it stops, and then . . . there is nothing. . .’ Kaiba’ s POV abou


I Lost  
  
Author: Skye Dragon  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Warnings: Spoiler warnings for the duels between Kaiba vs. Yugi, and Kaiba vs. Pegasus. If you haven't seen those two duels or if you don't know how they end, then don't read this. You'll regret it. (but once you have seen them, then please do come back and read! ^_^) But don't worry, there's no bad language.  
  
Summary: 'There are not words to describe the agony that occurs when your very soul is being brutally torn from your body. It is pain beyond all pain. But then, all at once, it stops, and then . . . there is nothing. . .' A story told from Kaiba' s POV about when he had his soul sealed inside a card.  
  
Skye's rambling spot: Yea! It's another character piece! And more Angst, too! ^_^ Can never have too much Angst. Anyway, this one's about Kaiba. The whole thing is in his point of view, and I'm warning you, it can be pretty dark at times, but nothing too terribly bad. It's not the darkest I've ever written anyway. And yes, this is a one-shot. My last one was a one-shot as well, but apparently nobody realize that, because I got several reviews saying they were looking forward to the next chapter. I was like, 'there is no next chapter.' Oh well. Oh, and just to let you people know, I have paid for this story. I was laying in my bed awake for literally half the night thinking about this. I was scared I'd forget part of it and it wouldn't look as good on paper as it did in my head. ^_^ but it all worked out. Hope my lack of sleep pays off for you guys and hopefully you'll enjoy it. Be sure to let me know, though, and leave a review! If you can take time out of your life to read the story, then you can take a few more minutes to leave a review. Thanks!  
  
P.S- I made a boo-boo. I realize that Kaiba's mom died giving birth to Mokuba, but for the purpose of this story, lets just pretend that she didn't die immediately, let's say she died a couple days afterwards from . . . torn tissue that didn't heal . . . or something. Okay? Sorry 'bout that one.  
  
  
  
  
  
There are not words to describe the pain when your soul is ripped away from your body, but I will try anyway. It felt like my very bones were on fire, and yet at the same time I had been dunked in a tub of frozen, Arctic water. The white-hot pain was unbearable. It was so hot, it was cold. Or perhaps, it was so cold it was hot . . . I'm not sure. That is the best description I can come up with, but even these words do not even begin to tell you of the agony I endured.  
  
I am sure the whole process only lasted mere seconds, but to me, it felt like it was an eternity. Nothing else existed besides me and the pain.  
  
And then, all at once . . . it ended.  
  
Suddenly there was nothing. Just me. I no longer possessed a body, so I did not have senses. I could not see, hear, feel, taste, or touch anything. I was drifting in a vast sea of nothingness. Nothing else existed besides me, not even air, but then, I had no need of air. Without a physical body, one can not breathe.  
  
I can not tell you how long I was trapped in that horrible place. Heck, I can't even tell you what that place was. I don't think it has a name, but I would call it Hell. I don't know if I drifted miles in that endless sea, or if I remained in the same spot the whole time. I had no body, I couldn't move. I was helpless, drifting where ever the powers that be wanted me to go. Distance does not exist in that place. Neither does Time. Heck, the very concept of Up and Down doesn't even exist!  
  
All I had there, was my memories. Images of Mokuba filled my mind while two little words repeated themselves over and over in my thoughts.  
  
"I lost . . . I lost . . . "  
  
I remember the last duel I had with Yugi. I won, but it didn't feel like a victory. I remember walking away from him, seeing the tears pouring down his face, and all his friends gathered around, helping him pick up the pieces of his life that were shattered when I beat him. I don't understand why he took it so hard, I mean, I know he came here to save his grandfather. He told me so, himself. But I think there was more to it than just that. After all, he got into the castle in the end. I know he did; I saw him there with my own eyes. But there was something else about that duel. That girl, what's her name? Teá? Anyway, what she said to me that day . . .  
  
"Yugi showed you mercy, Kaiba. He has a Heart. He has us. What do you have at the end of the day?"  
  
Nothing. That's what I have. Nothing. . . not even a body . . .  
  
But there was something else about what she said, about a Heart. I didn't understand it at the time, so I ignored it. I couldn't phantom what a Heart with a capital 'H' was. I figured she wasn't talking about the muscle in your chest cavity that pushes blood around your body. That's just a heart with a lower-case 'h'.  
  
But here, locked in this place with only my memories, I have discovered something. I have found that deep down inside a person is a special little something that gives us emotions. I believe this is the Heart Teá spoke of. It's an amazing thing to behold, surely. But I have prodded at mine, and I have found that it is sorely lacking in some areas. Looking at this thing inside of me, I remember every emotion I have ever felt, I feel that emotion at it's strongest, and weakest. I have felt fear, anger, compassion, pity, friendship, hate, lust, and so many others I can't name. But there is one I have had little of; Love.  
  
I won't try to tell you I've never been loved in my whole life; that would be a lie. I do know love, I have felt it before. I have felt love so deep it overwhelmed me. That was from my parents before they died, on the day that Mokuba was first brought home from the hospital after being born. My parents came in and showed me my new little brother. I felt love that day that was deep enough to drown in. I remember basking in it, soaking it all up like a sponge.  
  
But moments like that were few and far between in my life, especially after Mokuba and I had to go to the orphanage. Orphanages are not nice places to live in. Life there is hard, not as hard as the alternative—living on the street—but it is still hard. I was hurt a lot. I realize now that that's one of the reasons I didn't receive so much love. I tried to hold the whole world at a distance, so it couldn't hurt me anymore than I had already been hurt. I tried to make sure I didn't get attached to things so no one could use them against me.  
  
But if you don't attach yourself to things, then how can you feel love?  
  
That's what love is, being attached to someone you care about more than anything else, someone you care about more than yourself even. That's what love is. I realize that now.  
  
After my parent's deaths, I had only one real source of love left for me; Mokuba. He became my life. He still is. I love him.  
  
Just like I won't tell you I have never felt love, I also won't lie to you and say I was never happy. I was. Often. I wasn't a horribly depressive person. I was strict, and always realistic, but not depressive. I mean, sure I had my moods, but who hasn't?  
  
But I never let anyone get close to me, often I did that by hiding behind a hard, unfeeling mask. Few ever saw past that mask without me wanting them to. I think maybe Yugi did. If he did, then he was one of the few. Even with the people who worked for me didn't see the real me. They respected me, and perhaps showed me compassion; I would never ask someone to do a job for me that I wasn't willing to do as well, and I have proved that several times. Employees have seen me emptying trash before, not on a regular basis of course, but still.  
  
But they never loved or even cared for me, not as a person. If I had suddenly become horribly sick one day, I'm sure they would feel sorry for me, but that's it. They would give me pity, not compassion.  
  
People like that, they care about me only because of my titles, CEO of Kaiba Corp, World Champion of Duel Monsters. They don't care about me as a person. But Mokuba did.  
  
Oh let me die! In this place, I can not feel physical pain—how could I? I don't have a physical body—but I can still feel emotional and mental pain. And that kind of pain is running rampant right now. I failed him! The one person who really matters, and I failed to save him!  
  
Blast Yugi! If he had never beaten me in that duel, and sent part of me to the shadow realm, none of this would have happened! I wouldn't have been so lost, so confused! I wouldn't have run away to try and find myself! I wouldn't have left Mokuba!  
  
I wasn't running from him when I left. I was running from myself, I was running from everything I had ever done. I was so confused! I didn't have a clue what Yugi had done to me, but it left me lost and feeling alone.  
  
But I wasn't alone, Mokuba had been there. He had been worried about me. I should have never left him. I realize now that that hurt him. It hurt him a lot, I think. I should never have left him.  
  
If only Yugi hadn't beaten me in that duel, none of this would have ever happened . . .  
  
But I can not blame Yugi for the situation I now find myself in. It's not his fault I lost the game, and my only change to save Mokuba. I was weak. I was too weak to play the game. Because of my weakness, Pegasus won.  
  
"I lost . . . I lost . . . I lost . . ."  
  
  
  
~ Owari ~ 


End file.
